This week’s question from my adoring public:

“Oh Wise and Powerful Chuckman, bestow upon me the grace of your flawless knowledge and unprecedented insight. Who will win ye’ ol’ starting job for the Broncs this year that I might draft of them and smite my opponents forthrightly?!”  -Marvin

 

Well, look at the big brain on Marvin! Marv, as we all know, there can be only one.  Despite the delusional rumors coming out of Denver that technically-veteran Trevor Siemian has a chance as a dark horse I doubt they’re even taking a ‘wait and Sie’ approach on that.  Granted, his veteran competition is Mark Sanchez, The Sanchize, or as you probably know him best “butt-fumble” made famous for managing to pull of what is arguably the worst play in the history of the NFL. In the Bronco’s ‘defense’ they did just have a sudden hole at that most critical of all positions “the crotchety old has-been who has proven capable of reaching AFC Championships by riding an elite defense and putting up an atrocious stat line like 141 yards and an INT.”  And to their credit they did find the most qualified player available to slump into that recliner on the porch and wave his cane in the air while yelling at neighborhood children to stay off his lawn.

 

The answer though is clearly to draft the rookie Paxton Lynch. (Note: Dear readers, I’m not deliberately compiling the definitive works of Lynch-named players in the NFL, I mean it’s happening, just not deliberately.)  Why you might ask am I so confident Lynch will be the ‘pin’ you should pull on draft day?  Simple.  The man looks like a pirate.  What position in the NFL could benefit anymore from swashbuckling I ask you, none, that’s how many.  :p  Denver runs a very bootleg-heavy offensive scheme.  You know who’s qualified to bootleg?  A PIRATE.  Seriously, this kid is an eyepatch and peg leg away from first ballot hall of fame!  ‘This one goes to 11…+1.’  You are welcome.

 

 

12

I am an author, filmmaker, and imagineer.

I’m not very good at remembering passwords to various Verity program logins. On the off chance that I do remember it’s nothing short of an “alphanumerical.”

There are three things in life I believe in; something, something else, and the Oxford comma.

I’m so afraid of commitment I won’t even talk to a girl if she’s NAMED “Mary.”

I’m a big fan of self-deprecating humor, but I’m not very good at it.

Napping is my second favorite holiday activity; next to sleeping, of course.

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world and there’s absolutely no difference between either of them.

I once asked Snoop Dogg “what rhymes with orange?” He contemplated for a moment, looked at me seriously, and replied. “Everythizzle.”

I believe a small bunch of parsley should be called ‘a parcel.’

I really haven’t matured a day since shortly after I was twelve, so I identify as an “umpteenager.”

I wonder if a relationship between a con-artist and a stonemason could ever really work, or would he eventually take her for granite?

If I ever have a full-scale catering business that expanded from a confectionery it will be named “Revenge.” It’s motto will be: “Revenge: It’s not ‘just desserts’ anymore.”

I’m considering starting a trendy core strengthening fitness center AND coffee house combination so people can get their coffee on while taking the weight off. Naturally, it will be named “Pilattes.” …actually, it will be one of those hybrid businesses that converts to a bar at night. In the evenings the regulars will call it “Lincoln’s” for short, but its official name is “Sore Core and Seven Beers Ago.”

I’m just doing what I’m told until I’m told to do otherwise.

This won’t be the first time I’ve been told my loquaciousness is nothing to “verboast” about.

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